pieces of a broken heart are wasted time

an addiction that carries me thru the night.

2009-05-14T05:24:00.004+08:00

hapissed, heres more.
lolol.

REFLECTION IN WATER EFFECT :

CINEMASCOPE EFFECT :

MULTITONE EFFECT :

COMIC STRIP EFFECT :

recuperating from my blog lag

2009-05-13T03:57:00.007+08:00

Damn.

once again, i have to feign coming out unscathed.
i dun deserve tis u noe. i absolutely dun.
at the very least u could have given me a notice but i guess u remained myopic to the kind of vested interest i have bt tis whole friendship.

im sorry man, ive tried to not betray any inner feelings but i just couldnt. my brains cant keep up with my feelings that fast.

ive grown sick and tired of sick and tired people.
so i shall rest my case.

moving on, life's been keeping me up and about.

camping, volunteering, tutoring, pubbing & what nots have been my modus operandi this whole wk and will be for the next few.

ooh and ive been learning how to fake lomo pictures & create pop art :P

not really as good as hapissed's but oh well efforts always go a looong way...
shuddup hapissed.
heh, u shud be proud im ur protege.

tis is especially for ya hapissed.
nyahahahaha, for comparison purposes, i'll put up a before and after okkayyy!

aku sebat jer aper gambar aku leh ambek so maybe tts why sum of them dun turn out as good cos like u said the original must be of good quality also right??...there ive learned so much :P

BEFORE :

AFTER :

BEFORE :

AFTER :

I MISSS YOU KRISTY!!! Your prezzie will be on the way soon enuff! hold on right there!

Tis next one is for you from my fav indonesian band. its in eng dun worry :_P

Theres tis one as well. This is super cute.. lolol

and tis one too..my favorite!

her mane sure is in the pink of health.

mann, i want the vocalist's hair!! gosh.

hope i'll still be sane once upon the slivers of stars

2009-01-04T00:36:00.003+08:00

there are times when you feel you haven said enuf and just want to give it closure, like bridging the gap to make you whole again. like piecing yourself together before you start to crumble as all emotions start pouring in like theres no end to it all.

emotions im nt even sure if i should have even felt at all in the first place. emotions too overpowering that it numbs the whole mental faculty that keeps you sound all this while. emotions you know that are total misfits and detrimental to the composed mind which just leave you all guilty while you know you are entitled to your own emotions.

this is just one of those times which i wished it had not even started. It is hard when as much as you want it to stop but it just keeps on coming. It is even harder when you know that in reality there will never be a period. You just know that the ounces of effort you need to toil to obliterate will turn out as bad as the feelings that you have amassed and harboured for so long. Effort that is just too much it consumes you and at the same time you know that if no closure is made, you are at the throngs of the extent of your own emotions.

either way, life just know its way of engulfing your soul and leave you flailing like a helpless bird with no wings.

It is not that my life was never filled with laughters for me to even be writing this depressing piece of turmoil. There are countless many. It is just that when there is/was a wrong trigger, all sorts of emotions to which i havent garnered enuf speed to even account for will start spinning in fast dizzying whirls. Whirls that will leave me all heady soon after.

All emotions that i know if i think hard enuf will have its history and traces but just a matter of which to which. If this world wont take me for a lunatic, i might just log and date em.

Im not a product of a broken family for people to even deserve reading this entry. Im not even a goner the way i see it. Im still that girl who knows how to hope and still have that faith and tenacity to cling on to every single scrap of hope left for her. But this is just one of those times that i will admit that i feel like im at my weakest. It makes one feel so pathetic and weak when you dun even know how to contain your emotions and not let them toy, coodle and convulate with your thoughts too much.

I miss those times when my dad used to be normal.

Normal enough to chat with us on a more daily basis so that i dun have to post such entries and be in a constant motion of hate just to feel him. Normal enough to have the instincts of a father who deliberate the vast impacts of his actions before pouncing and to understand what we are actually feeling as a family.

Normal enuf to know who he really is.

Normal enough to buy us treats.

I miss those days when i anticipate him coming back home as a normal dad.

I miss that day when he surprised me and my sis with our 'little tike house'. The very reason why i din want it to be thrashed as its my only remnant of my once normal dad.

If i were to retrace, it was too long ago. Ive missed so many days, months and years of getting to be around a normal dad who by some unspeakable charismatic means usually channel their strengths to daughters. Though i do have to say that all those moments of seeing him go thru his life have converged to provide for enough strength for me to not live the life he leads. A strength ive grown and learnt to gather on my own.

This is not even about hating the things he do and for making life difficult for me but more of how ive hated what he is now.

Nevertheless, its important for you all to know that i love my dad all the same. The more i hate the things he do, the more i feel for him. And that i should not divulge and leave him flailing helplessly. I still have that same spot he used to fill for him.

Selfishly, a lot of maladjustments had to be made by far eversince he lost his normalcies. Its obviously not helping in alleviating the sorrows i have inside but all this while ive appeared nonchalant and ridiculously ecstatic. It will remain that way for a very long time.

I rather keep the doors to the dark side slammed shut and even if you have to i'll just let you in for a peek. Just do me a favour if you happen to read this blog and you know me all too well after reading this by not asking questions that will get an emotional landslide in tow. Save me the shame of letting me in on how stupid of me to even feel all these.

Just ask me hows my day and i'll say its all fine.
And when i say that, just do be rest assured that it really was fine. And that i really am all fine.

Like i said tis is all meant to be a closure for me, myself and i. Dun butt unnecessarily if u dun know the right way to.

How i wish i can have 14 days in a week, 24 months in a year and 730 days in a
year. And have those days named after me. And have double birfdae bashes in
a year.

when unlike poles repel and mr maslow was all wrong

2008-12-28T03:16:00.002+08:00

when you cant even afford to make your sister happy wif a 9.90 pencil case, it sucks BIG time.
when you cant even afford to treat ur mummy n sisters wif a tad above 5 per meal, the feeling that shrouded me was just something tt deserved to be chugged down so deep in the gutter.
when ur sister gave up on that 9.90 pencil case and went abt her luck wif a 4.90 one, and her hopes went flat...tt sucks as BIG, if not mega mighty BIGGER.

at this note, i could already hear most of you mouthing what a mega loser ive been, cannot even afford a 4.90 pencil case..

why tis world just love basking in the riches of life, that you have to put a value to everything?
my sister wasnt the centre of pandemonium when she didnt get her pencil case at the mall bt tt face she gave me was that of how my love for her might have been devalued when i cant even place a worthy price tag of 4.90?

for an eldest sibling, tts enuff to squeeze me in a wring of guilt.

thanks to this superficial world that has made a poor girl like me feel much so upset even abt things like tis..or maybe i just think a wee bit too much?

go figure. it must be maslow's hierarchy of needs theory.
tts when all the pieces fit ever so perfectly.

i shall give a breakdown of this ever popular theory of all time.

This theory states that humans have five basic needs :psychology, safety, love/belonging, esteem and self-actualization. These needs are arranged in a hierarchy where the higher needs come into focus when lower needs are satisfied.

Maslow's theory intuitively makes sense in general, aint it?

BUT, I personally think it is an ill-conceived concept that limits people in their struggle to live fullfilled lives the way it is. The notion of happiness is encapsulated in satisfying needs. In reality people overestimate the impact of satisfying a need. Like how wanting to buy that pencil case bt just cant ..can make me feel so down cos I feel its a need to never let ur sisters down. And you want to satisfy that need so bad that it makes you feel all battered. hah a bit too overblown there bt hell, you get it.

I think that the struggle of satisfying needs and avoiding pain is a major source of unhappiness in our society today. It is time we eradicate Maslow's theory.

till i get her that pencil case, i noe she'll be dropping pinsized hints.
i'll get for her alrite, when im not so financially challenged.

that's that. lets detach..

mum is doin her equipose of banishing my dad to the outer reaches and dropping her voice to the lowest register in instances like when she told me to: 'cook for your dad as well' (tis means that she hadnt ignored him completely). shes the hallmark of theatrical genius i tell ya. drama mama..

and my dad..hes been staring into that lifeless square wif strings of numbers so long and graphs much that i swear i wun wana see numbers and plunging and skyscraping graphs for the next decade if i were him. what made him think that this robotic square box could promise him the life he wishes for all of us through such lifelessness of that machine, im yet to find out.

or maybe i shudnt even bother, cos if i do i might just derail his/her life. its that bad.

they have been goin on like tis on and off since...not the faintest idea.

oh well, i grant them that merci.
ive been ms tolerant that long.
maybe tis way my life will hold more shades of colours...more drama. woots!

close your mouth mr hippotamus

2008-12-11T02:37:00.002+08:00

The past 4 hrs or so was the last day of Hari Raya Haji. But not the last of sacrifices that have to be made by humankind for the betterment of others and oneself. Like the words of Hellen Keller, "Many persons have the wrong idea of what constitutes true happiness. It is not attained through self-gratification but through fidelity to a worthy purpose".

This world sure is a fast dizzying game - a roller coaster, throwing you terrified of every sharp bends, but while the journey lasts, you will soak in the moment; soaking wif excitement; wanting to get to the top of urself and just scream like a banshee with a mirror flashed in the face.

Without knowing or feigning to not know, your neighbours for the ride could have had their ears defunct or racked and misshapened their eardrums, leaving them deftone for their entire livedom.

Cant point fingers at roller coasters to be the objects of blame, they are not the 'deaf'-endents here. My point was, you cant just brush off everything in ur path to get what you want, to get to the peak of ur life literally by deafening others around you.

You get the thrill you wanted, let out ur griefs and woes as you scream at the top of ur ribcages but at the 'deaf' of others.

Why deafening others on a roller coaster ride should even be blown out of proportion you say?
Then just consider how sacrificing dun even bat the eyelashes of people or wince at the thought of it among all else capital.
It seems trivial at first but oh-so-not.

Cos all those plaintiffs will press charges for them not being able to differentiate between a 'do' and a 're'. Would have been oh-not-trivial-at-all if the rest of the roller coaster was filled with budding musicians cept you.

Therefore this universe does not orbit around you alone. All decisions and actions gravitate upon others, sending them hilter-skilter and off-tangent if you dun weigh the zone of indifference. Life is like breaths drawn from others, like sharing that cycle of air - the carbon cycle or what not...interdependent and intertwined with the lives of others.

Its like mountaineering, refusing to help the slower ones which brings nothing but impeding the whole expedition team as they lag and stall.

Hereby sacrifice renders itself to the universe making sense all over again, the one link that fills the spaces between beings of no blood ties; adjoining souls defining the world to not only be plagued by unjustifiable and insatiable human wants. Sacrifice is about not being naked just for clothing but naked for dignity and respect; homeless not for bricks and rooftops but homeless cos of rejection when you lost that dignity. Dignity that is inequitable to capital.

Sacrifice in its whole true entirety is submission and not surrender.

It should be one that is sincere and not something to be articulated to drown and dissolve the suppress of bad karma at the back of your throat or milk the good retribution or prolly to jump the queue to heaven (in Sin-cha-por terms : must sac-ri-fy, if not you go hell ley), im not talking about offerings of sacrifices here, just sacrifice standalone; like how you would define "I sacrificed my job so that i could look after my kids".

Tho theres only a fine line separating submission and surrender.

So, maybe the next time you are on a roller coaster ride, try to reduce your screamings and squealings. Sacrifice your fear for heights or your need for cheap thrill of screaming decibels at ultimatum height if you are sure you cant close ur mouths. Cos seriously i had my fair share of saliva in ur mouth already.

Supa dupa gross.

God noes what species of bacterium thrived in that splat of saliva on my arm that day.

buying youth?

2008-12-07T02:10:00.010+08:00

Baked a storm on Thursday. Heh, not exactly a storm but sugee cookies and a rainbow marble cake for Hari Raya Haji. Weeepeeedeeedokadoiingz! ;)

Sugee cookies

Rainbow marble cake : this i made in collaboration wif my mum

That will be all there is to my Hari Raya Haji, wif the customary chaperons; maybe chicken kurma or chicken rendang and briyani. Tho theres nothing much really other than the savours, still that makes me a jubilant one :)

This next installment will spell of how unscrupulous shenanigans can wring your biggy big pockets dry out of the downtrodden, literally.

Application form read : We will be responsible for looking for clients for our
models.

Guy : Btw, we are different from those agencies in HDB who are
more often than not are in desperate need for models, thus, they will scout desperately for models without any projects at hand. For us, we liaise wif considerably large corporations who will book us for projects and then scout for new faces or take on available existing models.

Me to myself : Ahuhh. So much for calling other agencies desperate. Urs aint any better. What was all the "Our agency is looking for faces to be in Singtel's upcoming commercial" about when nothin bt it was even mentioned during the introductory rite of theirs or watevr. Reeks of desperado mucho to moi, using that tactic as a booby trap.

And here i am foolhardy to think that they picked us out of simple random selection on that morning at fine and dandy orchard rd and i'll get to be one of those everyday faces in a colossal montage of Singaporeans who subscribe to Singtel (tho ironically im not) as concession to a less soporific holiday.

From this holiday so dreary that i could just peel my skin ( u noe skin that gets soaked in water and swells a whitish fold, oooh i love to peel em') sore and dry, like plucking fur off a Persian cat?

So dreary that i could just walk the length of Orchard Road wif a getup which looked like i just rammed into a Roman candle. LOL check out this linkie kali babas : http://www.asylum.com/gallery/the-weirdest-victorias-secret-outfits-we-found/521620/

and count all those whose heads spin wif jawgaping disbelief. Yea im highstrung. Hah.

Guy : you noe both of you have one thing in common. u noe wat?

me and fren : err. No.

Guy : You are both young. Clients prefer young faces. So after all that, dun u want to noe how much u'll have to pay for the portfolio? (there were other bouts he was tellin us bt they just trailed off into a lull voice in my cerebral at tt point)

me and fren : *we gave the wth look at each other*

fren : so.....what now we have to pay this lump sum of 680 for 5 outfits photography like now itself?...

Guy : you may bt i understand ur students and wun be able to pay now but u can cash in deposit or alternatively u can pay the full amt another day bt im afraid by then our ready clients will not be looking for models anymore.

me : * here- he- goes-yada-yada-subdued interest look*

Guy : you can also look at 3 outfits which will go at 480 buckeroos.

fren : ok watevr it is i can only confirm in 2 wks time

me : for me tt amount will only be attainable like by end jan 2009? (in my hart, yae as if, you can bid ur 480 buckeroos bon voyage...rather splurge it on an ipod)

soon, we treaded out of the agency.

The punchline is anyone can be models these days esp wif those bulging faux leather wallets to boot. This industry in Singapore as i see it is deluded. U dun pay 480 buckeroos to clinch a bank job do you? so why does tis has to be any different? Just for tt effing portfolio that they will do up nice nice sui sui for you. Little tt u noe u might look worse than you already are. what if they make you look like this mentel gundu here? HAHA

or even if you dont, what are the odds of even appearing as endearing to these clients so that they will partake you for their projects? and get future projects? you wouldnt wana stop at one.

If thats the case, forking 480 as investment (as the guy puts it) will make for loss on our side. Its not like i blardy care but wat abt those passionate and hard-up for modeling?

I mean cant these people just cover the costs of creating our portfolios and then just reap their due and deserved amt from the projects itself? Since its ur responsibility to find clients for every face then it shudnt be a problem for them to keep projects and moolah coming rite? As in it will be of duty for them to find the means possible in their stride to keep them coming? As of now watever this agency and all those in the cahoots are doing seem like they are just falling on the game of heads-and-tail of which of those whose entrance will send blue and orange notes whizzing in their faces.
just my fifteen cents worth not trying to rough people up the wrong way but blogging is just the economy of speaking my mind for me :)
PEACE.

2008-10-09T04:47:00.002+08:00

here comes nothing.

first SHIT : I MISSED LIFEHOUSE LIVE AT ST JAMES!! (HOW COULD YOU HAVE MISSED IT..SERIOUSLY SHOOTS AND SHITS)

second SHIT : where the heck has my stickam player gone to?? (to www.blogger.com : did u steal my player? did you or did you? arghh now i have to settle for a new one)

third SHIT : my hair is in the becoming of an unscrupulous shit.

fourth SHIT : exams EXAMS exams EXAMS!!!!

fifth SHIT : i cant seem to focus/concentrate/drill etcetcetc

sixth SHIT : ive spent sooo much on public transport-ers (can also be defined as extort-ers) - i bet from 1 bux for feeder services it will soon hike to 2 bux.

just for a few friggin stops..and you noe you wudnt wana walk even if its only a few stops away - beaten by the torrid sun, it'll take a good 10 mins walk and esp who cud resist taking a bus when you see an approaching one and before you realise it, your pocket will weigh 2 bux less. WTH, and they are so smart to provide air-conditioned buses, thinking no one will contend on the fact that they are providing less-than-satisfactory services.

I already am less-than-satisfied. WHO COULD REFUND MY 14600 MINUTES (averaged out in half a yr) OF JUST WAITING FOR THE EFFING 912 (FEEDER SERVICE SUMMORE!)

yea those were/are the usual rambles of a typical singaporean.

2008-09-22T04:35:00.002+08:00

at this juncture, im young no more.

my oh my, what does the future hold for me?

the thought of which just makes me cringe with anticipation, exhilaration and fear of unprecedented thrills tt might just get too overbearing..

at this juncture, i still contain the same old fear.
a fear that i myself just cant comprehend sometimes, though i noe this fear brings me nothing but thrusting me to a losing end..

why am i such a coward i say..
why do i always hold back, refrain, restrain,...
it seems like ive been on exile, putting up a facade..

why is there such a thing as 'thinking twice before you do things'?
wouldnt it have been better without it?
at the very least, i dun have to rethink the consequences my action brings and for once i could b carefree..bt then again that would make me an ignorant person

and whats worse when u dun do those things cos u pondered upon them, your life will come to a standstill cos ur aware that nothing much will happen from then onwards.
things will return to where they are..
thats what u contemplated in that process of pondering which was obviously not what was initially intended.

sometimes, i just wish that heavens above will not just drop hints.
its exhausting to count all these hints, only to miss them..
but then again to miss these hints and expect surprises, is the thrill that life brings.

and im still hoping and praying for more pleasantries while still giving what i could

:)

2007-12-25T12:21:00.000+08:00

oooh...

my blog's getting too wordy. i think i should cultivate the norm of inserting pictures into my entries.

its for those days when words come by slow and pictures are all it takes to explain everything.

its not like theres anything for me to explain for or to but just for musings, what i do best.

keep track how many more different angles of myself can i portray..
how many pictures i should take before i find a perfect capture of myself so tt in anticipation of the other half i can put it as a display pic for a matchmaking agency.

whether i look good in this or that...
whether i look good with hair down or up...

tis is the best place by far to post my pix while i muse in vain
at least trespassers cant retort or hurl with disgust..and with that said i can continue thinking that i dun look too bad.

heh.

till then..toodles~

2007-12-16T09:30:00.000+08:00

How much longer do i have to wait for greater things to happen..

Does he hear my prayers?

Does he hear my heart's pleas?

Has he forgotten this man of thee who've sinned so much

Just too much that he left me with the remnants of wasted time

..the yearnings of a woman on the threshold of a realm so thrilling yet beguiling

longings that could make a woman appear a weakling

..desires that could crush you as you waste your time thinking, emoting..

wishful thinking whose effects are nothing short of diminutive

why, its so hard to be me

all i want for christmas are white daisies~

2007-12-08T19:56:00.000+08:00

Ive been on the longest hiatus tt i think i should have just retired from this virtual world of blogging altogether. But here i am BACK! to make my life seem a tad less boring.

As it seems im virtually not existent half the time as ive been making lots of presence in facebook instead of here but physically ive been active.

Joined Amore.

Been to their worth-it-as-u- can-really-sweat-it all-out pilates classes.
Did rock climbing.

Joined touch rugby (intentionally redden it so tt the uninitiated wont fall into fits of laughter as its not like contact. As the name goes, contact means more bodily contact thruout game which is equal to risk of aggression)

Been working it all out at the stadium, running wild and free. LOL.

Went for Dreamwerkz dance classes with Daniel (the winner of last yr's OVERDRIVE party) as our instructor. Last thursday was our last dance class :(

Now im short of one past time. Sigh...

SHOPPING. tt is not just another activity, in fact its the inner workings of me. What makes up me, i shall put it.

Been going out wif a new accolade of socialites who do not seem to noe the meaning of settling down and fizzle out a little for just a mere second. LOL

too restless a gang tt ive been having a share of restless nights wif this lot for the 2nd time.

One was a night out till 3 in the morning trading at the top of our lungs at MINDS cafe. HAHAHAAHAH...man i lurvvee Jurassic Jumble ;P

2nd was pigging out at Al-Azhar till bt 1 in the morning.

hmmmm..

whats to come for sure is im goin to go clubbing wif Francis n his crew for the first time anytime from today. Most prob a wed..WEEHOOO!

something to quench my desire for late nights out. Its been a long time since sch and work...

ouhh and a counterpart of the socialite accolade had been making aggressive promotion for his upcoming ODAC 50 bucks package jampacked wif thrills. Inclusive of motocross!

the thought of it is so very tempting but im buck shorthand.

2007-02-10T23:11:00.000+08:00

drum roll drum roll...

im strategising for a whooping buckload of money.
so my current job is not so bad after all.
profit sharing, commissions and what not.

woah..i can earn close to 2000/mth sia!

haha, but it comes with a price of course.
pure hardwork.

anyhow, the severity of speculations running wild that a level results will be out nxt wk is geting the better of me!

oh god.
im nowhere near the creme de la creme.
that orchestrates the overall fear of having to avert from my ever-since-childhood dreamschool (NUS) to lucrative private institutions like MDIS.

thats a blowhorn for money.

hmm hee...
on a lighter note, numbered meetings with strikingly congenial personalities throughout my course of job have always made my day.

just a recognition to those people who have even bothered sparing a minute or two to entertain me.

yeah my train of thoughts are forever boggling accounting for the absence of bridging between 2 paragraphs.

haha.

have a nice and fruitful sunday all my abby caddabys!

2007-02-10T00:10:00.000+08:00

my heart just twanged at the thought of having to work tomorrow.
yeah on a saturday.
gosh.

sometimes i would hear myself dithering and regretting this very position ive put myself into.
yeah work is a dread albeit of the fun outfield.

huh, so this is what life is all about.
when one desires something and he gets it, it becomes overrated after a while and would wish to resume his original stand.

hmm..
this job im in is like the undoing of me.
yeah im all fun n nice when it comes to chatting up with people that so far ive endeared myself in fact very well with strangers.

but theres just something about this job which i cant quite put a finger on.

for certain, its something i will definitely dread doing everyday.
but then again this is not even going to be permanent so i shall have to put up with it for the time being before i get another job.

i wanted an office job.

oh yeah man.
money supercedes even your conscience.
for money, one can even dismiss the pros-and-cons concept of life.

well that explains why a justifiable proportion of beings out there solicit and lay their hands on every possible means to money unimaginable.

anyway, dont get me wrong.
my job is decent.
haha

its just a short-lived desperation that ive come to realised.

im temporarily running aground on the rocks of spiritual enlightenment and hoping that i will brush shoulders with angels speaking of which could facilitate my spiritual therapy.

im not going to be a psycho soon.
dont worry people.

just hanging all hopes im left with for the best in my results cause i noe ive brought forth my best.

and prayers as accompaniment.

by the way, this is my favourite song of late from "gol and gincu".
its a show thats close to the hearts of women and girls-going-on-womenhood.

definitely a must watch.

:)

2006-11-27T20:30:00.000+08:00

ouhh no!
the waters of tanjong balau salvaged my specs!
hahaha.
sheesh, a whole bunch of my cousins and uncles were summoned on this mission to comb the seabed for it. its a total fluke. it must have hunkered down well to the bottom.
damn.

mi cousins were cute tho.
this racket spawned a new activity for them-snorkeling.
hahah.
goggles initially used for "the probe" turned out to be for the latter.

other than tt mishap, everything else was bliss.
yay,ive got myself a tan.
n its starting to peel. bleargh.

n we(or more of me actually) swam for as close to 6 hrs excluding "the probe", had barbeque, ate and ate like gluttons, had fun pitching and unpitching tents, long rides, sporadic stopovers for the weak at bladder, basking in the sun and sea wind, and all else thats nice.

can you tell i couldnt be much :) er..

condolences my specs for ur your owner is much too happy to get a new pair.
u'll always be remembered.

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.
We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?
Actually, who are you not to be?
You are a child of God.
Your playing small does not serve the world.
There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that
other people won't feel insecure around you.
We are all meant to shine, as children do.
We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us.
It is not just in some of us; it is in everyone.
And as we let our own light shine,
we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.
As we are liberated from our own fear,our presence automatically liberates others.

a return to love - marianne williamson

in other words we all are khalifahs of god.
we are all equally vital.

2006-11-24T21:30:00.000+08:00

i had ballistic fun yesterday! weee!!
oh gosh, like all of a sudden everything seems so crystal clear n im no longer in the doldrums.
its just one of those moments when it just shimmers like a mirage n u'll feel so, so, so FREE!

WAHOOOOOOOO!!
haha.

all thats in the past shall diffuse.
its gonna be a new lease of life.
no longer damndified.
no one shall ever make me sad ever again.
she'll be happy, satiated, exhilirated and everything else that's nice.
rebirth.
yeah!

come what may.
:D

n yo ppl i need a job.
hahah.
so if any of you souls have any jobs to offer, please extend.
thanks a lot!

2006-10-10T00:50:00.000+08:00

this space in between is so killing me.

its always during such grace periods which are not supposed to be graced that all sorts of distractions start to imbue.
perfect timing.

im not so passive about this whole idea of persevering but its draining and it makes these distractions greatly anticipated. escapism?
well, not the time.
cant afford to at this critical juncture.
but, maybe thats possible.

ever got that feeling of being so imminent to something and you just feel like letting go cos the wait seems like forever?
yeah, exactly.

but usually in most cases you just cant?
god, thats the worse of it all.

well again if im aspiring to be a hedonist*i found this word*, life would have been a whole lot easier.
ouhh well...

2006-09-05T16:03:00.000+08:00

THANK YOU TO ALL MY BELOVED FELINES, BEST FRIENDS, CLOSE FRIENDS, CONFIDANTES, COMPANIONS, COLLEAGUES, SIDEKICKS AND OTHERS NOT AFOREMENTIONED FOR YOUR BIRTHDAY WISHES AND PRESENTS!!!

awww...so sweet of u girls and boys.. :D

these 19 years of my life wouldnt be the same without u guys.

like they always sae, u'll never believe that ur a year older so so so fast.
a year more and im a whooping 20.

woahhh.

Sssscccccaaaarrrrry.

well, let me keep the wishes ive made to myself yeah. hehe.

ouhh yeah i came across this documentary trailer about natural phenomenons.
it made me cringe. its like an apocalypse or sumthin.
i was a lil apprehensive at first but it did hit home with the right note.
like a revelation.

so yeah, plunge:

http://www.inconvenienttruth.nl/trailer.html

haha, im sure u guys noe whats next if u wana watch more of this documentary rite?

2006-08-20T01:09:00.000+08:00

so here it is, ive changed my blog temporarily to this one till i get to create my own.
the HTML codes are easier to decipher than the previous one and this very much explains the need to change.

i like simplicity in every sense of the word.
and this looks simple enuff for my tastebuds.

i cannot help it but feel that somebody's been trying hard to get my attention.

im not trying to be paranoid over here but i just feel that you dont even know me at all.

IM NOT LOOKING FOR ANYBODY RIGHT NOW.

yeah maybe ive been sending the wrong signals across but sometimes it helps a great deal if u guys just stop assuming.
im already finding it hard to avoid unnecessary people in my life, so please make things easier for me.

thats one of the departments u guys never fail to fail in.
your unduly power to assume things that never existed in the first place.

Even if im looking, im a tasteful dreamer.
unless my dreams choose to have u in it, then u are not in.
but on the upside, im fickle.

lets just put it this way.
ive been busy with many, many and many upcoming events in my life.
And still is.
lots of upheavals in my disposal too.
and always are.

And am still very happy being promiscuous with my darling abby caddabys.

There is still room for infinity.
I LOVE MY OLD, NEW AND FUTURE FRIENDS.

SO BE MY FELICITY.

<3

2006-08-02T19:41:00.000+08:00

When True Love stays aside
of any human 's life...

loneliness takes the place
prolonging nights and days.

When True Love is not near,
what song you use to hear?

what means time and space?
which are the special days?

When Love remains so far
and you resemble tire,

to whom you will require?
where will be your desire?

When True Love is abide
with whom you can comply?

Who will respond your call
and hear you at all?

When True Love stays inside
the soul enjoys it's truthfulness

you hear His voice reply;
your heart remains rely.

When True Love overflows
something makes your face glows;

Love enjoys your free soul
looking at the Great Goal.

When True Love states His kingdom
you recover the reason;

you retrieve your lost smile;
yours becomes a new life.

When True Love really arrives
never you will be abide;

you will live in Victory
since you are seeing His Glory.

Gifted is he, the king of his own destiny.
Leading the blind to the land of the free.

2006-07-05T01:04:00.000+08:00

im still breathing..yeah good sign..
been at the beck and call of a lot of things and a lot of people..

so busy ive to catch my breath
hopping from school to office from time to time..
now tt ive a lot more people to prove wrong to

they are all out there scrutinising my every moment
the moment when i'll thrust myself into falling and withdrawing myself from this passion tt i hold.
basically my business.

why dont people choose to understand this reality that no matter how hard they study,they are just selling their qualifications to get jobs.
yeah u heard it.. jobs..ur worst nightmares..

i mean u go thru all the swotting and slogging just to be hurled at, screamed at and chided at.
if ure lucky enuff, worst come to worst u'll get retrenched in time to come.
double whammy.
retrenched. couldnt get any worse.
even doctors can be retrenched. even lawyers.
ouhh trivia huh..
so where's that financial freedom that everybody longs for?

study,study,study and get our qualification papers just to see ourselves at the disposition of others of authority.
total mismatch.

standard of living is getting higher and higher.

and if you degree holders out there feel that getting 4k in ur pockets a month is a giganomous amt.

think again.

how much have ur parents invested for ur education?
almost a $100 000?or more?
most will agree.
n how long do u take just to get to the pinnacle,in singapore's context,a local uni at least?
a bare 20 yrs of ur life..
yes im pretty sure of tt.

20 multiplied by $4K is only $80 000.
that doesnt even compensate the amount of money we invested on education.
n we consider $4K a big sum?
definitely, outrightly not.

n for all those time being confined within the four walls of school,have we ever asked ourselves what have we been doing with our lives..
apart from saturating our brain cells with knowledge that nt many are willed to .
nt everybody learns how to thirst for knowledge.
n because of that we fail to fulfil the rightful purpose of education.
the acquisition of knowledge and to use that empowerment to benefit other people's lives.

tis is what life is all about.
but we are too enclosed in our own system of creditibility and meritocracy that we tend to forget the finer things in life.

just do give it a thought or two over my two cents worth.

2006-05-28T01:47:00.000+08:00

thank yous to all those ppl ard me who had inflicted changes in me in one way or another and turned my life ard for the better.

to direct me to the right channel where i can realise my potentials and pulled me out of the usual rut ive alwaes been stuck in.

all along ive transcended myself into the abyss.
i didnt realise how ive had it coming.
as i delved deeper i got more lost and i probed for answers but they dont resound.

i lost myself.

my self esteem drowned with my deepest fears. limitations...

i retreated into my own shadow.

the whole vicious cycle repeats itself until i get too immersed and not see tt potential in me.
or is it my environment?

lets just sae ive found what ive been looking for.
THANK YOU... (:

2006-05-05T20:21:00.000+08:00

yay!
ive finally got hold of the "Divine secrets of the ya-ya sisterhood" book!
yayipee!

who would have thought that someone who had been so chummy and seemingly friendly turned out to be someone whose brains can wire up in the quaintest of manners.

haha..some ppl really do have issues up their sleeves without realising it and feel rather full of themselves. with tt saed, i believe these ppl do what they do to garner the unnecessary attention towards them to make themselves feel satiated. rather weird but tts just how some ppl function. hahah.

and a quarter of the world population might just belong to this other group of species known as parasites,which literally refer to those who basically live off another person. haha.
like sucking in ur every breath, like assimilating the food that you ate, like agitating those lavender nerves underneath ur skin and etc.

this may sound nasty but these ppl who just have to gel on( or in more nicer terms to liaise ) to ppl whom they regard as friends are depriving them of their personal space.

i mean cant u just move on with or without ur frens ard?
some ppl r treating their frens like tails to their asses.

wahahas.
i just couldnt bear the sight of such affection.
bwahahas.

im ranting bullshitting crap again.
wahahahs.

"We are not born all at once,but by bits. The body first and the spirit later...
Our mothers are racked with the pains of our physical birth,we ourselves suffer the longer pains of our spiritual growth"

2006-04-30T09:58:00.000+08:00

new and confirmed revelation..
i look like almost anybody and everybody..hhaaha..
hadhinah has a common face..oh gosh!

some of my secondary school frens even remarked tt i look like rilla melati and hafiz just pointed out to me tt i look like one of his frens,whos nt even a gerl (mind you).wth is tt suppose to mean..ouhh shutss its my new darn freakin short haircut..

he even saed if tt fren of his came down for the pit, we would have passed off as siblings..OMIGOODNESS..haha

n im nt spared of tis utter madness in pri skool as well..
there was once my higher malay teacher even told me tt she mistook one of her class's students for me. worse still she actually called out mi name instead of tt gerl's name.

the punchline is whoever im with alwaes has sumting to sae abt mi striking resemblance with whoevr frens or acquaintances tt they have..those examples mentioned above were not all there is to it..

i went chillin out with Hafiz yesterdae.
niwae thanx for the night..it was nice to once again so-called lepak after what seems like eternity. we were supposed to eat at Parkway Parade but he dragged me to his friend's pit's at East Coast. its really very ok hafiz..i could have blown up but i was too nice yesterdae,its just ur luck tt i didnt..hahah
cos' if i did u gotta have to treat me movies or sumting..its an obligation bt ive swallowed those intentions..so its FINE.

n its not even hafiz's fren's pit.
it's hafiz's fren's fren's pit.
imagine how awkward i was yesterdae.
actually it's both me n hafiz who felt awkward.
hahah..

ps:
i understand why u hate ur bro so much.he's pretty impressionable huh.
ive already begun to hate him from the moment u started telling me abt him. hes such a cock-up. he ought to be shot. ahha..

arghh.
im so freaking pissed with mi dad yesterdae.
so ok fine "anak dara tak boleh balek lmbt".
tt is so passe.
tt catchphrase of his should have been kept to himself and to the bottomest of the pits of his medulla oblangata.

and the medulla oblangata should have just retained those ****ing irritable words and not propagate a negative feedback to his mouth.

DARN IT.

tis is lyke not the first time in a row tt ive been back home so late.
he even witnessed the 3am come-back-home.
why couldnt he stand the 2am one then??
1 hr before makes a whole lot of difference to 1 hr after.
whats with him??

i tot dads like it when uve made the effort to make a trip journey home n appear at the doorstep like an hr earlier than the previous timing.
shuts.
he wasnt too happy with the number 2 i guess.
its just the number. ok fine.
i shall change it with sum other number for gd nxt tyme.
4, probably.
it looks gd.

i think its the word late-nite movies as well.
i presumed he was deprived of movies back then.
maybe the seats tt they had werent as good as those in cineplexes now.
i didnt noe nitty-gritty like tis would leave such a lasting impact on him till he had to affect mine.

he saed he would cut my allowance short if he hear the word movies again.
WAHAHAHAHAHHS.

what makes him think i would tell him tt i'll be watchin movies the nxt tyme rd..hah
i could tell him anything else but movies.

n gosh being 18 going on 19 just so means tt i noe how to distinguish btw right and wrong.
n cumin home late in s'pore's context is not wrong in every sense of the word.
n stop discriminating gerls just cos we are gerls.
fuck those rapists out there who have made our lives so hard to live by.

im so pissed with him.

2006-04-22T20:41:00.000+08:00

still very much alive..
just very busy.

To us mortals, its thunder, lightning and rain. Actually, truth is, up there, they are at it again, spring-cleaning.

Thunder: Moving the monstrous heavy wardrobes but accidentally topple them down the stairs, hence, explain the crashing booming sound of thunder. (Dunch worry, the lower dark clouds will catch their wardrobes, and no, you won't get free clothes.)

Lightning: They didn't invest in good lightbulbs like Philips, therefore get flickering lights whenever someone sneezes. (They are real angry they have no Philips, so, hide, their lights can strike and kill.)

Rain: Either they are doing a real kind deed to water our plants and flowers, or someone naughty thinks its really funny to pee on us. (Come on, take your best aim, I've got brolly.)

So the next time it rains, sure, roll your eyes and groan, their homes are way cleaner than yours anyway.
lately, they've been doing a rather critical overhaul.
this is the time for my clean-out showdown.

my mind just wandered to the mythical immortals and swashbuckling Hercules, soon after i thought of that analogy that was seriously not sculpted to chide God.
Greek people are fascinating.
how i wish i was Megara or even Deianira.
wahas.
i dun have the least bit idea how maths led me to the Greeks.

ohmigoodness..sometimes i wish i could just work some magic and vanish from this outermost crust of the Earth.
i wouldnt have to care about A levels, about the major turning point in my life and about almost everything else.

i feel like im a rubber band that's about to snap once it is stretched beyond what it can take.

Everyone needs closure, but not everyone can afford to give it.
Its a selfish act.
But cut me some slack.
I wish I knew how to stop breathing... and caring and worrying.

im in love with a stranger

2006-04-02T01:50:00.000+08:00

woooots~ its been very long since i blogged and went bloghopping.

some ppl already pushed me on to update so i shall..

things have been getting out of hand for me emotionally and intellectually.

let me start the ball rolling by talking abt my splendid results for the count.
OO and ungraded(i didnt turn up for chem paper 2), a product of last minute studying i presume..
or is it karma for always chiding my sisters off when im simply pms-ing?
or for cracking up insensitive jokes?
or for getting on my teacher's nerves for being absent from school with no apparent reasons?

for the latter, i tink ive blown my cover off when i saed im sick when im not without feigning sick the next day in school..ms chew just had to smirk politely when she came over telling me to account for the 3 days that i was absent.

things couldnt get any worse when i overheard rumours that all retainees who are not performing up to expectations are to kindly have a tea reception together with our parents and have an unprecedented meeting under an incandescent fluorescent lamp of the principal's office. awww how poignant.

tipping the balance, i tink im in love with a stranger. a total stranger.
i tink im wasting my time awae again like how i used to.
wasted time on opportunities that will never come ..
wasted time on hanging by the moment
wasted time on letting myself falter in the formidable matters of the heart
wasted time in desperation
wasted time in the poetic soul of emotions
wasted time wafting awae into romantic fairytales of white nights and golden domes
wasted time into nothingness

is it worth it to follow my hunch for whatever reasons they may be?

im too lost in myself or rather the tenacities that ive thrust myself into to even sense what's the hunch. ive lost a fraction of myself to a life that i should have called quits a length ago. the fraction's that bereft of me is just bearing witness to the seemingly perennial nature of the next 6 or 7 mths of jc life..everything else has departed leaving a grappling soul.

im emotionally affected and still waiting for those tell-tale signs.
knock some sense into me if u strongly feel that i need it.

im so sorrie man to break out of the hiatus on a rather sad note.
i'll soon forget everything and be giggling away with my girls.

2006-03-13T05:37:00.000+08:00

indignified. ive messed up. im indebted for a belief i religiously entertained that i could seek redemption in other papers for my common test. it seems that ive given up exceedingly early and enjoyin the weekends like no bummer.

look what ive inflicted on myself. im 2 days short for my revision. for jc peeps that is too costly.
hahahaha..mind you if u guys probably havent seen me in such a state before but i really am right now..at tis odd hour im wide awake..

n so sorry for tt ubermajor hiatus but i tink that feeling of just stayin dormant with no updates after getting over tt initial prick of excitement when u first set up ur blog is settling into me.
just cnt help it..

ive to stay awae from my comp for the time being before i satiates myself further into another one of my deadliest sins, the indestructible power of the Internet to trespass my limits.

still that munich movie outing is still on ya~..no doubt bt tt.

"u need a whole lot of discipline goin for ya kid"
..hmm deja vu..

sum tings just dont fail to amuse me

2006-02-20T19:42:00.000+08:00

weehoo!!!
2dae is such a nice dae for me!!
it has not been a very blue overcast monday afterall!!

my mum just talked to me..tts one..
after a few days of being on cold shoulder with her..haha..
azri u noe wat im talkin abt..(his name was deliberately inserted at such an anti-climatic juncture since he insisted to) haha..

n todae my dear darling founder of mugger's club, Kristy, has done it again!!!
hahahah....she had been a saviour of the moment for the fate of a 2 dollar note which was pasted pathetically with blutac on one of the pillars in the school...

tis is for the guys who dared anyone to take up the challenge..

it had proved no feat for Kristy bcoz considering the height at which the note was placed was like i saed pathetically pretty low..hahah...such an insult to ppl of kristy's height...

but she so deserves an applaud for her bravery to brace the parapets leading to the pillar..
if ur thinking its the parapets just outside the windows its so not ok..
the parapets are small enough for a feet and there are 4 of them encircled facing openly into the 2nd storey..which is so to sae she was literally in mid-air while doing it...hhah..(she wore shorts btw)

n thanx to her..all 4 of us are gonna get a ribena treat!!!
yay!!

n if ur wondering why those guys even do what they did..haahh...its just for the pure entertainment of us jc peeps who are deprived of proper fascination and trying to amuse ourselves within those 4 boundaries...lolx..

thanx u guys!!
it was fun!!
hahha..really...
i tink u guys gotta try harder for the 10 bucks one..
u wouldnt want ur challenge to be captured for a bare min on video cam bcoz it isnt daunting enuff...(evil grin)

by any chance, these guys' generosity ought to be lauded as well.
they are on their mission for a 10 bucks one so if any of u are up for an adventure flock down to PJC...waakkakaaka...

hmm...niwae azri ..sincerity in all sense of the word means to give without expecting anything in return....hahhaha....sorrie i am just being the irritating me yet again..

n yeah a black cat just crossed my path on the way home..ouhh no..
its nt tt i believe in all those age-old myths but his eyes were scary..they were an irisdiscent yellow n those eyeballs were literally glaring right at me which made stop in my tracks..i tot it was about to pounce for me..

hmm ive alwaes been so fond of black cats but not tis one..heh..

hmmm i'll just devote my bitching session in its whole entirety in another entry instead..sum other tyme it shall be..
im darn tired...i need a nap for now..
so looooong...

2006-02-18T09:30:00.000+08:00

its an irony ppl dun take notice of what happened on the day after valentine's day. haha..somebody gonna be proud of me saying this.

the nanjing massacre documentary screened yesterdae during assembly has made me regarded the Japanese with an impotent fury. by convention, everybody would have likewise sentiments.
the slashing of the bayonets, the visual thoughts of this little boy who got speared by the buttocks and flung across the room and 200,000 women who were raped are just too horrific.

how can ppl who were victimised and terrorised by this series of morbid massacre events discard their initial detest for these uncivilised, barbaric doings?

they claimed these japanese ordinaries were forced into the army and they were reluctant.
they didnt want war..
thus they shouldnt be blamed and cursed their whole lives..

but isnt it ironic and contradicting when ppl sae they were reluctant while their violence sure proved otherwise. ok maybe reluctance after years of conditioning and all due respect towards the japanese imperial army officials had metamorphosized into something more tyrannical.

even then dont these ppl have empathy?
a wee bit or a tinge of compassion for those kids especially?
dont their remorseness overcome them at all when their callous bayonets touch the surfaces of innocent folds of skin?
dont those fresh pool of blood remind them of theirs?
dont they remember that brotherhood and blood is the emblem of humanity?
did humanity even cross their paths of minds?
what were their heads even teeming with at that period of tyme?
eccentric plans?
quaint fancies?
are all these what that they define reluctance?
reluctance or hesitance to veer away those weapons by the seconds for fear their guilty conscience will set in and take the better of them..probably
or their hearts and minds have been reluctantly brainwashed..probably

how doomed can one be when they thought they had paid homage to the japanese emperor when at the same time he committed unforgiven and perpetual crimes to fragile humanity..

people will never forget these doings even if asians are just so bound to traditions of being extravagantly forgiving.

2006-02-10T20:25:00.000+08:00

had yu-sheng in skool todae. very thoughtful of u guys to share the remnants of chinese new year's joys with the rest, i mean ppl like me.

altho it wasnt as great as i thot, i have a personal favourite- the crackers.
taste out of this world.
still prefer my grandma's rendang anytime. i miss her. shes all the way in malacca.
great just when i need affectionate huggies. my mum cant possibly provide me with those as she's no touchy mother. hahha. some would be giving me those incredulous looks but well im used to it.

believe it or not, ive never for once hugged my mum. but i still love her if ur thinking otherwise and i duly noe its a mutual one. she loves me too. i noe.

listened to falling away with you-muse.
my personal favourite for now.
its a hauntingly nice song for those emo mods out there.
go listen.

2006-02-09T02:32:00.000+08:00

updates:

went zouk flea market with lynn, fiza and feexa.
spent a whooping 30 bucks on tees and a dangling red chandelier-like keychain ($5).
my sis took one of the shirts and i gave her a $3 discount. how much nicer can i ever be when the flea price of the shirt is only $5. way within her budget.

the place was as packed like last yr. even then wat can u expect its a flea market.
exudes that same cigarettey smells which will just block the nasal passageways of my nose when i stay a little longer inside. the longer i stay, the more my head spins. contents of the cigarettes can just fatally interrupts my normal bodily functions of breathing.

amazing enuff theres alwaes miracles when it comes to retail therapy, especially when it comes by cheap. the more your head spins, the more you transpire and reek of sweat, the more heady u get abt shopping. eyes and hands, they function interconnectedly, once u eye something, those hands will just swiftly swipe watevr uve just seen. the happiest part when u get to noe its 4 bucks. wat more can i ask for rite??

theres been so much fuss abt the black metal scene and how this cult is being misjudged.
about how ur life can fall apart when u throw urself into this scene and all the blahs.
many would argue this to be blatant stereotyping.
i mean if ure talking abt decadent lifestyle, many of which can be contributed by other genres as well.

on the flipside, its always those dumbloves that choose to think of black metal as another loving trend to appear fierce & feared, thus to rebel, & to be so true that they look more like wannabes. they are the total spoilt wankers.

i mean c'mon this cult may seem dark and horrific on the outside but just give them a whole new lease of life and let them do what they wana do. it wont do any harm btw its just another form of music. nothing is wrong with being different.

2006-02-05T08:57:00.000+08:00

my life has just begun..
at a certain phase or juncture tt tis really shudnt be happening..
at all..

i dun wana make things any worse..
like what happened before..
i dun wana transpire wrong signals..wrong gestures..wrong language

im fully saturated with things tts beyond wat i can handle..
why now..
why not those yesteryears..
why now..

occurences and appearances are unintended..
when those i only hoped for sometime ago..
ive grown out of that phase..
so long ago
for me to even rekindle..

i guess i shall just buy my time..
and hang on
until those unintended speaks for themselves..
i will just pause to my favourite parts and
lull to a story so beautiful an epic.

those were not meant to be understood and interpreted.

2006-02-03T00:32:00.000+08:00

what are friends for? especially when u have a musically-inclined one..haha..now that ive learned how to go about strumming the guitar(i havent got to really master this one) and learning a few of the easier notes, all thanks to Kristy, my once burning passion was rekindled. and of course, yi ying for the guitar even tho we used it without permission but here's the credits.

im all agog to pursue mine and su ling's intentions to learn how to play the guitar after a levels!!
kristy shall be the benefactor charging at $3.50 and we the benefitters..tell me why should i go sumplace else to learn when i can get mine at rock bottom price!

like i saed wat are frens for? rite?
rite...
i feel so accomplished todae.

i was supposed to cut my friggin long hair like during the cny hols but out-of-money circumstances held me back. so plan temporarily aborted. damn.

my hair is getting disgustingly long and they are literally kissing the nape of my neck. when my hair grows longer, half of the length will have a mind of its own and choose to veer to different angles making tt part of the hair look like the snakes on medusa's forsaken head. n those snakes been weighing down on my brain cells lately. reception by the ears getting low and information processing seems to travel by miles before they reach the control ctr of my brain.

i tink the snakes are sheding their skins on my scalp and it's an exothermic reaction, thus heating up my brain cells. n enzymes in brain cells get denatured if temperature soars above optimal. therefore, my brain just seem to be malfunctioning lately.

huh this suggests a must-do haircut anytime this weekend.

hah. my class is performing for pioneerama. they are headbanging to simple plan's crazy.
i seriously hope it will really be headbanging but yarlar sum things just cannot go the way u like it to be. haha..the musical instruments piece themselves well aside one another tho and making the whole show a melodic stimulating experience. at least u guys are a far cry from teething stage. nice energy u guys have there!

amplify everything and tt pioneerama is right under ur belts..take it away tmr in good shape!
i'll support u guys thru n thru!

ROCKO PIONEERS!!
wth..

haish..my animosity towards sumone seems to unfurl at greater lengths each passing day..

comic strips

2006-01-29T10:18:00.000+08:00

ive run out of things to sae so tis shall be it.
embrace n laff.

bitchy mode back frm hiatus

2006-01-26T21:27:00.000+08:00

in this blog, all the characters involved are intentionally made anonymous except me of course.

Let me tell u guys something. i hate being a bitch. not even for a moment or so. its not something for me to uphold wat more my life principle to live by. its not something that i can lift up my head with. but once somebody do the honors of switching the mode on, i gotta do what i gotta do, baby.

as far as possible i'll try to make this bitching prologue as political and less discreet.

ok first and foremost im not a hullabaloo like how most bitches are. or like whom i presume as bitches. bcoz nowadays bitches can take many forms and lie in many separate categories.
they can mutilate from something so mild and surprise you with their viability to regurgitate watevr profanities she manage to contain.

ouhhh no im so disappointed with Jayla(American's Next Top Model). shes too adorable and all sweet to even fall in either of these categories. what worse was she proved herself dumb. dumb jet black.

ok tts not the point here.

the point is my dear bitch, u cant expect me to weave in the flow into ur matriarchs of the loud and uproar. im not an attention seeker like you, thats for sure. i have basic courtesy, mind you. im not being childish in case u read this and u tink its you.

its just that no matter what u do u'll always have to come to the basics.
like telling ppl off nicely or at the very least just tell me, damn it, that u want that holy 100 pgs or so article. rather than hit me and snatch it from me. i noe tt i cant possibly translate the words but my brain is till picture-absorbent. i can still tell the difference btw a picture and another picture. its not even mine i noe. i noe tt all too well. its not that, that im pissed about but its just the fact that the place im in roofs you and ur every single vein just irritates me. i noe tis is very minor but its just you doing it that irks me. so the statement is clear here, I HATE YOU.

i just hate it when ppl just dont noe their basic manners. thanks to extravagant publicity. maybe tt has made you to think tt the way of seeking ppl's attention is by hitting and snatching and wailing at my fragile ears.

i can just feel my ears crumbling whenevr ur words greet my ears. ur sound frequency is just too high and all ya-ya. my ears are fragile u see.

i hate it when these ppl noe that they should stop but they just couldnt bcoz they think they are doing great tyme. ouhh yeah man, u are.

for now i shall remain a hypocrite.

2006-01-24T21:33:00.000+08:00

tis will not be the usual darn lengthy entry.
gonna keep tis random and simple.
just the normal grouses of jc life.

homework piling and my neurones are starting to get racy and chasing after one another trying to keep up with the intense environment im in.

those neurones are gonna tire themselves out without any warming up.
they are like any other cells which need warming up before carrying out bodily functions.

my eyes love to give away themselves at times when immense amount of concentration is essentially needed. eye muscles start to relax too much and there i go. sleep.

jc kids barely get the luxury of 8 hrs of sleep. to hit that mark just fuels guilty speculations.
n u start asking urself if ur full 8hrs of sleep could have been utilised for studying n hwks instead. so we end up with half of that most of the time.

n now the only vivid image captured by my neurones are just the various halls of NUS.
hhahaha.

2006-01-23T21:19:00.000+08:00

my world is as forbidden as it is fragile; without its mysteries, it cannot survive.

My thirst for a good show for tis month prolonged until today. i quenched tt thirst at 3.45 pm today with ling su and mich.

no other movies so far have triggered in me a sense of gratification like this.
it didnt fall short of my expectations of it to be a realistic documentation of a geisha's life.
it stays true to the book (according to those who have read it). niwae shasha, im not gonna be done with the book any sooner so if ure patient enuff to wait good for ya. haha. all i have to say im a slow poke in my own right, too bad.

it is an intoxicating and riveting portrayal of the hidden world. the life of geishas are well-translated. where love is scorned as illusion and trust is no longer a sanctuary for them to behold. it is a world of deceit and facade where beauty is prime but beneath it all lies jealousy. the okiyas (teahouses) are like the embodiment of jeopardy where geishas become each other's subject of detest to get to the pinnacle.

on the whole, Gong Li should be lauded for living up to the character of Hatsumomo in a very evil panache. Shes my favourite actress in the movie by far.

Memoirs of a geisha deserves the credits.
its the kind of movie that is of high-sounding quality on its own without having to be further beefed up by the well-acclaimed novel.
the novel is obviously a must read.

to my disbelief, the da vinci code wasnt as enthralling as how the novel captures it to be upon seeing the trailer before movie starts. i expected a more dark and foreboding movie but it turned out to be rather cocky. for some reason the trailer looked like a scavenger hunt with a guy in a black cape, a priest n some other ppl running in the background.

life paces itself way too fast that ppl have to change so much to adapt.
maybe this explains the changing cycles of inter-dependence.
sounds selfish at most times.

2006-01-22T19:25:00.000+08:00

went thru my usual ritual of waking up when my mum starts to scream at her uttermost loudest tone. did some homework to absolve my own guilty conscience. i dont want the whole cycle of disappointed glances to reccur like wat happened on fri.

haha.my maths teacher was showing her usual subtle disgruntled look which dont even pass off as browbeat.haha. shes so cute. she looks so helpless. ok fine. we three are her viable problematic students in her eyes. we didnt do her maths homework and she went on asking as to whether we know the meaning of "HOMEWORK". HAHHA.

of course we know.
im sure she noes the meaning of "BIO SPA" too.
hahha. k we are just cooking up age-old excuses.

the funniest part was when i even mastered the art of stoning when she was actually deploying a somewhat diplomatic remark to get us to do our hwk during the weekends.

"Gerls behind, i hope u noe the meaning of homework".
n i stoned while staring at her ever so sweet face.
n she looked back at me.
for a countable no. of seconds before she looked down.
n i looked down.
i just stoned.

hahah. the other 2 girls just giggled away. we were supposed to be guilty.
supposed to. but she was just so tamed n sweet for us to even start being volatile.

BWAHAHAH.

k i tried fiddling around with the html tags for my mp3 but it still aint working. im irritated so i settled down for the mp3 to play on an external player.

so enjoy.

its on my intro page. theres a link to it.
n once u come to the hosted page, to keep the song playing..
right-click to choose to play on the real-player.
it may take a while for the song to download.
if u dont like to listen to the song then dont bother.
:)

cheer up my dear fren

2006-01-21T18:19:00.000+08:00

met up with my laughing goofball yesterdae. u noe wat dear, just dump him for good. serious.
If hes such a thorn in ur delicate flesh or a stubborn thrombosis in ur crimson blood, just forget him. it will not be of ur loss. Ure entitled to ur own decisions. Theres nothing wrong with dumping someone who have no qualms at all bout lying and yet glues himself to u like a sludge. Hes no better than a moron. no better than a pimp.

Give no place in ur heart for the likes of him. for such putridity, filth.
He doesnt noe how to appreciate the greatest side of you.

U'll always be my saccharine sweet friend. I'll be there whenevr u need me as ur listening ear, ur food eater, ur laughing goofball and most of all ur darling friend.

cant wait to watch Memoirs of a Geisha tis coming mon!!!
Weeehhhooooooooooooooooo!!!!

Gerls!! Remember to bring ur moolahs!!!
n ling su remember to bring more money for pencil case shoppin!!

Yapeedee-double-hooooo!!!!

2006-01-17T01:45:00.000+08:00

I sit here clutching useless lists I crack my teeth on pearls I tear into the history Show me what it means to me in this world Yeah in this world'

Cause I am due for a miracle I'm waiting for a sign I'll stare straight into the sun And I won't close my eyes Till I understand or go blind I see the parts but not the whole I study saints and scholars both

No perfect plan unfurls Do I trust my heart or just my mind Why is truth so hard to find in this world Yeah in this world' Cause I am due for a miracle I'm waiting for a sign I'll stare straight into the sun And I won't close my eyes Till I understand or go blind (till I understand or go blind)

I know that there's a point I've missed A shrine or stone I haven't kissed A scar that never graced my wrist A mirror that hasn't met my fist But I can't help feeling like I'm Due for a miracle I'm waiting for a sign (waiting for a sign) I'll stare straight into the sun And I won't close my eyes (and I won't close my eyes) Due for a miracle I'm waiting for a sign I'll stare straight into the sun And I won't close my eyes

thrice- stare at the sun

Sometimes you are torn between the truth and lies, tt u cannot help thinking that miracles are all that uve got.

forlorn hopes

2006-01-14T10:31:00.000+08:00

yesterday: it was a shocking revelation to noe tt i had an uncle with leprosy. All this while i tot that i had only those uncles whom ive acknowledged, laughed, cried and ignored. I never knew that he existed once in my life. Even then it was a short-lived existence.

he ever came to my grandma's house for a short visit. that was what my mum pointed out. i didnt even realise he actually came.

tts not the bottomline.

my mum was flipping the channels when she came across my uncle in tv1..a malaysian channel.
it was featuring about the lives of those in the rehabilitation ctr for leprosy ppl. I was so in disbelief.

he mentioned something abt not wanting to trouble his family and tts why he chose to stay there despite of his recovery. in a matter of seconds my mum broke down to tears. haish..

i joined in. it was even sadder to noe tt hes not married. hes looking great in his mids.

now hes working there as he has no family of his own and found it pointless to come back for a family reunion. like he saed he didnt want to trouble the family.

this time my mum was shedding even more tears. She misses her brother. very much.

it was even painful to noe how long he had to put up in that rehabilitation ctr for yrs without any contact with the outside world or just simple gestures like hi or have u eaten frm other beings aside those in the ctr.

hours move to minutes,
n ur seconds away,
trying to avoid,
n theres no doubt theres one thing i can do nothing at all.

all that are just distractions,
im tired enough,
retrace the steps as if we forgot,
just ask the questions,
pls say ure ok,
n not falling frm grace.

reach out to be reached for,
n there u lay forlorn,
trying to avoid,
the every truth,
the every lies,
tt life ushers.

seeking solace,
in every turn,
in every bend,
only to come round,
to where u began.

my emotional qoutient ranks highly of itself.

i cant stand Mr "cultured" Humpty-Dumpty nimore. He's got a bad humour and yet he tinks hes outrageously hilarious. Whatmore,he seems to revel in on all the supportive rolls of laughter everytime he turned into a roaring ball of joy which seemed to amuse a lot of ppl. Hurhur, how delightful. It is so annoying when he thinks tt his sarcasm and jokes are strikingly congenial. Heh. His jokes are in simple terms, LAME.

He has this very outlandish laughter, one tt seems to be reverberating from the stomach and this queer habit of brushing the bridge of his nose with his index finger. Its distracting. He takes a dig on Pulau Ubin as tho its London, not tt theres aniting to sae abt tis island at all. All i noe his favourite island of Pulau Ubin is a striking resemblance of his bald head.

He always brings us aboard to trips there while we 3 musketeers are still in our sub-conscious minds. Hes so utterly bothered by the underlying fact tt Lavender mrt stn is at Kallang and Kallang mrt stn is at Geylang. Afterwhich, he will take us on a rebound trip to another favourite island of his, the Jurong Industrial Island.

And then he will attempt to launch his probe into ppl's income taxes to prove his point on poverty.

How astonishingly prolific my GP lessons are going to be if this prolong.
My GP grades are going to improve by leaps and bounds.
Until now, hes still going on strong with his compre passage on city planning. after 2 weeks and 2 lessons in a wk. Until this mon.

I seriously feel tt he ever aspired to be an architect. But he was too cocky to be one. maybe tts why.

niwae wat does city planning gotta do with poverty? or maybe hes still stuck in a jet lag back frm London. thinking the big clock on Trafalgar Square will stand still during his lessons. tt tentative test of urs is not gonna bring us all far. Ure wasting big time. Big time. as big as the clock on Trafalgar Square. as fast as all the watches in Switzerland ticks.

sometimes it doesnt take much to amuse. just by being jiggly and all fair, tt will do.

2006-01-11T01:44:00.000+08:00

SELAMAT HARI RAYA HAJI TO ALL MUSLIMS OUT THERE!!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MY 3RD SIS!!

aww shes half my age now..piece of advice, relish watevr u have now before ur in the throes of adulthood.
life seriously is a roller coaster ride dear..it is a fast dizzying game, its a parachute jump, its abt taking chanecs, falling over and getting up again, its mountaineering, its wanting to get to the very top of urself and to feel angry and dissatisfied when u dun manage it.

not to say tt im tt experienced myself nut what ive gone thru so far would be of use to u along the way.

then u will noe why ur darling sis here have to always scream at the top of her lungs to get u movin. it has always been for a good reason. I'll always pray for ur best.

im done with tt.

kae...celebrated my 3rd sis birthday todae. only one of the many friends she invited came. Thanks Yew Keong (pardon the spelling if its wrong)!! Thanks for the prezzie on my sis's behalf!! SHE LOVED IT!! haha

im still wonderin until now if ur really not of a mixed parentage or what...u look so malay dear..haha

kae my cute cousins came. their even cuter mothers (so as to sae my aunties) tag along. They broke the house down. literally. Gossip club at one end and play-dough playmates at the other. Watching the gossipers rambling on which seemed like eternity topped wit hand gestures and all and monkeys cooking up a ruckus drained us ya-yas out. So we settled with movie marathon. theres just too much happenings for more. haha.

Here are the pictures:

yummy rummy tummy

started before my cousins came..they were too late

my 4th sis joined in

yew keong hazimah haziqah

wiped out..bwahaha

aww u guys were late for candle blowing

evolution with loopholes here n there

my aunties are too cute to be cam whores so they are not included.

2006-01-07T02:25:00.000+08:00

Ouh no..is tis how banal my life's gonna be for the next friggin 10 mths?? i feel as though im living in an ephemeral transition, waiting to transcend to somewhere alienated frm the sane. my insanity level is just hot on its heels. My life seemed to have lapsed again into the utter passivity of a staring child. Ppl-who-worship-competition-like-theres-no-tomorrow are driving me to the brink of temporary dementia.

They even have to make special appearances in my sleep-yanking their phenomenal a level certs straight in my face. I swear im gonna sleep with a decapitated barbie doll the next time you guys attempt to disrupt my pleasantries. That will scare the shit out of you and to learn to never be the culprits again. That doll is so gonna stare you hard and make sure you guys are obliterated from my every living brain cells. Bwahaha..heed that..

Its worse enuff gettin a new principal with a 3-dimensional attitude about success. Socks have to be higher than the ankles?? Are u tryin to immerse some harajuku attributes into our school?? i hope not. ive nvr been too pleased with harajukus. Double whammy.

Its barely a full week and im having tis fenced-in feeling within me. I feel enclosed in my own space. I feel so intimidated. Should tis feeling persist i duno n i will nvr noe until i get my confidence back. until i wholly own it once again and its rightfully mine. i tink im losing every bit of my brain content like every other day. Swim-alone-or-sink- circumstances are supposed to hunker me down to work but its proving the reverse. im probably jaded. maybe tt wraps it all. The worst part of it all is tis is inevitable until i rest my bum on the hot chair for a levels. That will be my glorious moment. Ever.

rabbits vs dragons

2006-01-04T02:46:00.000+08:00

was on tenterhooks the whole morning thinkin of my appeal to s05..n finally i got it! A million thank-yous to MS LEE!! It was so nice of you to even help me appeal n got it without a word..

Or else i wouldnt noe wat would have become of me by the end of the day..stranded alone in a foreign dungeon brimming with "dragons" all waiting to gobble tis puny "rabbit".

But the situation in s05 wasnt any better either..haha..brimming with mugtoads..
They are seriously efficient switcheroos when it comes to work. One moment they were sniggering, giggling and laffing away..though most of the time i just dun get the things tt tickles them..but the next they would be shuffling their papers showing how they had actually completed their work. Just when you thot they were another bunch of slackers..how irritating is tt...feigning "coolness"..OMIGAWD

They are those with A's, B's or worse comes to worse mediocre C's already in their bags. No big deal since it's a value added class. They were even going abt their business (which is hwk in tis case) during recess. I almost freaked out. Its not a normal sight in pjc over the past few years. Haha probably tts why.

The most irritating part abt these ppl is their unscrupulous mugging..Seriously, theres no need for tt all..i tot it was childish. hah.

They are invariably scary to be precise. Here i am hell-bent for disaster, n i have to deal the sights of introverted mugheads.

I MISS 05S29!!
U GUYS ARE THE BEST REALLY!!
I MISS U: FEEXA,HAFIZA,LYNN,SYAHIDAH & AISHAH!!

Things aint the same anymore. J2 peeps left the school. I feel like i am fleeting throughout the school and not getting to see them during breaks feel so awkward. We retainees are all that's left of the rabbit year legacy in tt school..the three of us feel so void..like theres nothing to look forward to other than laffing among ourselves.hha

haish after a yr then only we feel the retribution of our own doings. It didnt feel so bad the yr b4 but now its like looming on our shoulders. All the work and ppl leaving the school is just too much to bear..

THANK GOD I HAVE KRISTY N SULING IN S05!!
U GUYS WILL ALWAYS MAKE MY DAY!!

Thanks a lot fiqah for the call u made like just nw..i needed it to wake miself up to complete my hols assignments..hahha..(guilty confession)
im nt using u, reallie..heh..
n oso for the freaky shrieks tt i lend my ears to..they really perked me up..so much better than caffeine peps.
u really have a knack for this kind of tings arh..i'll need u rite b4 a levels!!

new year's resolutions

2006-01-01T02:03:00.000+08:00

Let's shed the 2005 skin and start 2006 on a brand new slate. I'm penning down my new year's resolutions for my own referrals.

1. Gear in for a hell-bound ride to A' Levels. I heavenly hope to get 3B's at the
very least. Obviously wishing for better. But for now tt will do. Oh God, u will
have to see the immense effort im gonna put in for tis one. Never-before-seen
-footage. No worries, ur creation here is not threatening you. She noes her
limits.

2. Pray more fervently.
The Tsunami disaster on the 26th of dec 2004 which happened on an
unprecedented scale has taught me to be a better person. Every moment is a
moment closer to death(k im not turnin morbid here just more wary). So before
its too late, i want my sins to be atoned for. and be closer to God in any means
possible. pls dont laugh ur balls out. hah. im dead serious.

p/s: NEVER BE TOO PROUD OF WHAT WE HAVE.
WE ARE JUST BORROWERS NOT OWNERS.

3. Bank in on loose change every day.
I hate the feeling of being demotivated by empty pockets whenevr the need
arises. Thanks to my extravagant spending when it comes to wardrobe fix.
That will have to wait for now. I need money for a new phone and an mp3.
Preferably an ipod but i dont want to wish too soon. haha. It cost a bomb. To
save up might cost me a lifetime.

4. Never be selfish.
Thanks a kerzillion to my darling dad, I didnt have to go on a strike for this
new comp after listening to a whole list of why- i- need -the- comp.He's so
thoughtful..niwae arent dads suppose to be?? haha.
I've began to realise how i always want things my way in the house tt it affect
other ppl adversely especially my parents. So much so tt im the influential
body in the house. I like all the attention but i feel they are giving me too much
tt im depriving others of it. I feel guilty. I am guilty of an unseen crime.

5. Get a new haircut.
This retro hairdo of mine is killing me!!

6. Stay healthy.
I wanna be toned up. I look too straight, literally.
Something need to b done. Like push-ups, sit-ups n morning jogs on weekends.
Somewhere there.

7. Last but not least, pls in heaven's name budge your fingers from the comp and
get crackin.
It's time for ur beck n call. PLS DO UR ASSIGNMENTS AND TUTORIALS!!

8. Stop talkin to myself. haha. Nah i dont do tis kind of thing all the tyme.

after a pretty long hiatus

2005-08-20T18:33:00.000+08:00

Finally,
after so long mi blog is up! Yayipee!

in lieu of my blog

2005-07-13T17:44:00.000+08:00

WEEHOOO!!!